My Full Week

To say this week has been eventful is an understatement. I started new short term classes, so that means literally I have class every day of the week. I've already had a speech and paper due and I have an exam tomorrow. So my cousin who is now maybe my best friend has been asking me to go to the beach with her. I told her it would have to wait until after the semester is over because of my full load.

However, she broke up with her Fiance last month and had been having a hard time. She had to put on a face for everyone and pretend she was okay 24/7 because she has to be strong and perky at work in front of clients and then when she's home she has to be strong and smiley for her little boys. So when she started to cry at work I knew something was really wrong. So I said lets get away like you wanted to. We went to Cambria for 2 days. It was a great restorative for us both. However, I missed a math class that lowers your grade 1% each absence and I missed a speech and will receive no higher than a 80% for it now. So my grades will suffer slightly but some things are more important and Melissa is one of those things.

My Mom's 53rd birthday was yesterday and so we had to celebrate, I had class all afternoon and then Monica and I had to mail a certified letter to a company that is suing us. It's been so busy since I came home from the beach. I'll admit I'm stressed out by the magnitude of things I need to do but some great things have happened. I bonded with my cousin and made a new best friend and I secretly helped her relationship with her Fiance. I've been talking with him and I think they'll work it out. And great news! Monica and I spent 5 hours just basically talking and catching up. I have my friend back. I've missed the great relationship we used to have. We've decided to schedule Thursday afternoons as our time together. This will get us back on the right track.

Oh, the not so good news is that I've lost one of my best friends. Germ is one person I have ALWAYS been there for. When she broke up with my ex's brother I stayed up to 3 every morning while she cried on the phone for 3 months. She's very fragile and needs someone there to look after her. When she watches the a scary movie and doesn't want to sleep alone I left the fair this last time and went to be with her. She always thinks things are the end of the world and there usually isn't a week that goes by that there isn't some huge disaster she needs me to take care of. I do these things and never complain because she's my best friend and I care about her. I used to have to defend her against my ex, his brother and friends, Monica when they called her a drama queen and manipulative. I never let people talk badly of my friends even my boyfriends.

I guess I was wrong to assume that the time when I needed her to afford the same treatment I have always offered her she couldn't extend the same. It felt horrible. She got mad at me because I wouldn't go to a party she wanted me to. She thought my reasons were silly and told me so. That hurt me. When I talked to her yesterday and I said I forgive her she said "whatever as long as the drama stops". This I could not take and remain friends. I NEVER once called her a drama queen or complained about the amount of problems she brought into my life. I defended her whenever anyone complained about her and then she had the nerve to accuse me of something that makes up her entire personality? I couldn't and wouldn't be friends with someone like that. Because that's not a real friend and real friends are all I have time for.

Holding Autumn

I got to hold my Auty yesterday when Monica came over. It's been six months since I got to hold her and cuddle her and kiss on her. She's so different now. She's two and I can't believe it! When I was holding her it reminded me of when she was a newborn and I could hold her all day and just cuddle her. She was such a love. Even six months ago we had a little routine: she would sit in between my legs on the chaise and lay back against my stomach until she fell asleep and I'd put her to bed when Monica was at work. Even the last two times I've seen her I didn't get to hold her. But she came over yesterday and I got to pick her up when she came to give me a hug. She just grinned and giggled and it was the sweetest sound I've heard in a long time. I've really missed that little girl ;o)

Friendships and Choices

I've already mentioned that I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes. However, I've always considered myself a good friend. I tried to be there for all of my friends any time they needed me. I went all out when one of them needed me. I loved helping my friends. I used to do my best friend's chores when she forgot them so she wouldn't get into trouble. I tried to take care of her as best I could because she kind of got lost in the shuffle of 7 kids. We had our ups and downs but when she got pregnant I was the only one at first to support her decision to keep the baby.

I was there when her little girl was born and quickly fell in love with the beautiful baby girl. And I helped her take care of her whenever she needed. They were two very important people in my lives. One had been my best friend for 13 years and the other was a shockingly similar baby version of her. Even though her mother could drive me insane at times I adored them both and helped them as much as I could.

Then my life fell apart and I lost who I really was. I moved out of my parents home to share a townhouse with her and another good friend. It was a mistake from the begining. She and I were saving up to make a move to Seattle. A city we both loved. But our other friend needed to move out and we were both looking to leave our families. Each for different reasons. I took a leave of absence from school and began working as a receptionist/grief counselor/marker requisitioner. It was harder than we realized living together.

The house was always filled with people and there were always parties and unwholesome activities. In the begining I was still so numb that I didn't see what a mistake this was and how it was affecting everyone, including me. I was very focused on myself and mr. 6' 1". I was becoming selfish and uncaring. We said things in anger we never should have said and when she tried to apologize I turned my back. It was the first time she had ever apologized first and I didn't want to give in that time. I became much closer to my other friend and I didn't see the signs that she was falling back to old patterns and how depressed she was.

By the time my numbness wore off and I saw what was going on with the both of us it was too late. She was too far gone and angry and when I tried to warn her and help her she blew up and said she never wanted to see me again. She moved out and we didn't talk for 6 months. In the mean time she got married to a pretty good guy I knew before we stopped talking. They live with his parents for now and he'll be adopting her little girl. She's working to get out of debt and she doesn't really party anymore and she went back to school. I'm really proud of her. She's made so many great decisions for herself and her little girl who just turned 2. I really missed them.

So when I heard she got married I texted her husband and asked him to have her call or text me if she would since I didn't have her number anymore. She did. We talked for a little bit and then went out to lunch. I was glad to see her little girl and that she was healthy and that my friend was being a good attentive mother. She wasn't someone who I ever expected to be a mother and least of all so young. I guess mothering is instinctive because she never really got a good dose of it because there just were so many kids and her parents were pretty free-spirited. So I was willing to step in and help where she needed. And I did in the begining. So all the time we didn't talk I was worried about her little girl, but i was grateful to see I didn't need to worry anymore. She didn't need me anymore. She didn't need me to pick up the slack or solve her problems as I'd always done.

Although I was happy about this and all the great changes she made and proud of her I couldn't help feel a little sad. I liked it when I was needed. And I was sad that I missed her wedding. It was a simple ceremony in front of a justice of the peace but we'd had all these dreams about our weddings. I just always assumed I'd get to see him lift her veil when they became man and wife because I'd be maid of honor. It didn't happen the way I thought it would. Nothing did.

When we went for lunch I got to apologize and we patched things up, but that's what it was: a patch. Things will never be truly the same. Too much has happened since then. She has a new life that doesn't include me. I saw that when I went to her little girl's birthday party. There were all these new stories I didn't know and all new memories. She and I are both different people now and are lives are seperate unlike they were before. Now we're "old friends" not "best friends" and it's sad but not half as sad as if we'd never spoken again.

It just goes to show you how much simple choices can decide your fate. Who knows where we'd be now if I'd accepted her apology when she offered it and let the anger go when I was offered the chance. I want to always remember this life lesson so I don't let this happen again. i have some other friends I need to forgive. It may be just our time to move on from each other but I want us to go peacefully. Anger has no place in my heart anymore.