My Full Week

To say this week has been eventful is an understatement. I started new short term classes, so that means literally I have class every day of the week. I've already had a speech and paper due and I have an exam tomorrow. So my cousin who is now maybe my best friend has been asking me to go to the beach with her. I told her it would have to wait until after the semester is over because of my full load.

However, she broke up with her Fiance last month and had been having a hard time. She had to put on a face for everyone and pretend she was okay 24/7 because she has to be strong and perky at work in front of clients and then when she's home she has to be strong and smiley for her little boys. So when she started to cry at work I knew something was really wrong. So I said lets get away like you wanted to. We went to Cambria for 2 days. It was a great restorative for us both. However, I missed a math class that lowers your grade 1% each absence and I missed a speech and will receive no higher than a 80% for it now. So my grades will suffer slightly but some things are more important and Melissa is one of those things.

My Mom's 53rd birthday was yesterday and so we had to celebrate, I had class all afternoon and then Monica and I had to mail a certified letter to a company that is suing us. It's been so busy since I came home from the beach. I'll admit I'm stressed out by the magnitude of things I need to do but some great things have happened. I bonded with my cousin and made a new best friend and I secretly helped her relationship with her Fiance. I've been talking with him and I think they'll work it out. And great news! Monica and I spent 5 hours just basically talking and catching up. I have my friend back. I've missed the great relationship we used to have. We've decided to schedule Thursday afternoons as our time together. This will get us back on the right track.

Oh, the not so good news is that I've lost one of my best friends. Germ is one person I have ALWAYS been there for. When she broke up with my ex's brother I stayed up to 3 every morning while she cried on the phone for 3 months. She's very fragile and needs someone there to look after her. When she watches the a scary movie and doesn't want to sleep alone I left the fair this last time and went to be with her. She always thinks things are the end of the world and there usually isn't a week that goes by that there isn't some huge disaster she needs me to take care of. I do these things and never complain because she's my best friend and I care about her. I used to have to defend her against my ex, his brother and friends, Monica when they called her a drama queen and manipulative. I never let people talk badly of my friends even my boyfriends.

I guess I was wrong to assume that the time when I needed her to afford the same treatment I have always offered her she couldn't extend the same. It felt horrible. She got mad at me because I wouldn't go to a party she wanted me to. She thought my reasons were silly and told me so. That hurt me. When I talked to her yesterday and I said I forgive her she said "whatever as long as the drama stops". This I could not take and remain friends. I NEVER once called her a drama queen or complained about the amount of problems she brought into my life. I defended her whenever anyone complained about her and then she had the nerve to accuse me of something that makes up her entire personality? I couldn't and wouldn't be friends with someone like that. Because that's not a real friend and real friends are all I have time for.

Holding Autumn

I got to hold my Auty yesterday when Monica came over. It's been six months since I got to hold her and cuddle her and kiss on her. She's so different now. She's two and I can't believe it! When I was holding her it reminded me of when she was a newborn and I could hold her all day and just cuddle her. She was such a love. Even six months ago we had a little routine: she would sit in between my legs on the chaise and lay back against my stomach until she fell asleep and I'd put her to bed when Monica was at work. Even the last two times I've seen her I didn't get to hold her. But she came over yesterday and I got to pick her up when she came to give me a hug. She just grinned and giggled and it was the sweetest sound I've heard in a long time. I've really missed that little girl ;o)

Propostion 8 and it's Ramifications

Intolerant Tolerance

I've been blessed with the ability to read people fairly well. I can usually understand people's behaviors and motivations. However, I have been stumped lately by certain people. Proposition 8 is a very hot button issue as of late. Personally, I am for voting yes on the measure. For the reason that certain churches will have to pull out of California if it doesn't pass. Ministers, Bishops, Pastor's, and Priest's will be arrested for refusing to marry homosexual couples even though it goes against their beliefs. Where is the separation of church and state? Children will also be educated in schools about homosexual behavior without parental consent. And for some parents this goes against their beliefs and their rights to teach their children about this subject as they choose, in their own way.

I am not intolerant of homosexuals. God told us to love everyone. However, I do not believe in homosexuality. I have gay and lesbian friends and they all understand how I believe, why I believe, and my stance on Prop 8, just as I understand their positions on the matter. I have no problems with allowing Domestic Partnerships but do not condone these being called marriages. My friends understand this too. We are all tolerant of each other. Which is I believe how everyone should treat each other when there are differences in beliefs and opinions: with RESPECT.

However, obviously many people do not feel this way. Many people who support No on Prop 8 accuse those who are in support of the measure as intolerant homophobes which just isn't the case, at least in my case. However, I respect that they have that opinion. People have the right to place whatever signs they choose on their property, but obviously many of those who say they are for "tolerance" don't.

I woke up one morning to find the Yes on Prop 8 signs in front of my house had been stolen. This really offended my sense of right and wrong and my sense of tolerance. I would never even imagine taking down someones No on Prop 8 signs. But I've seen this happen 5 times so far to myself and different people. And one day I went to my Poetry class expecting to have another pleasant day when I heard a girl bragging to the class that she had gone out the night before and taken all the Yes on Prop 8 signs in her neighborhood down. I was so enraged I had to leave class before I made an inappropriate display.

I couldn't understand her logic. She says she's for tolerance but she committed a very intolerant act. Not to mention it is a crime. She should take a look at herself and then at the people who she claims are intolerant. I believe she would not like what she saw if she really looked. Even though it's been a few days and my outrage has begun to settle writing this just makes my blood boil. It was just so wrong. I will never understand this girl and her hypocritical ways.

Friendships and Choices

I've already mentioned that I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes. However, I've always considered myself a good friend. I tried to be there for all of my friends any time they needed me. I went all out when one of them needed me. I loved helping my friends. I used to do my best friend's chores when she forgot them so she wouldn't get into trouble. I tried to take care of her as best I could because she kind of got lost in the shuffle of 7 kids. We had our ups and downs but when she got pregnant I was the only one at first to support her decision to keep the baby.

I was there when her little girl was born and quickly fell in love with the beautiful baby girl. And I helped her take care of her whenever she needed. They were two very important people in my lives. One had been my best friend for 13 years and the other was a shockingly similar baby version of her. Even though her mother could drive me insane at times I adored them both and helped them as much as I could.

Then my life fell apart and I lost who I really was. I moved out of my parents home to share a townhouse with her and another good friend. It was a mistake from the begining. She and I were saving up to make a move to Seattle. A city we both loved. But our other friend needed to move out and we were both looking to leave our families. Each for different reasons. I took a leave of absence from school and began working as a receptionist/grief counselor/marker requisitioner. It was harder than we realized living together.

The house was always filled with people and there were always parties and unwholesome activities. In the begining I was still so numb that I didn't see what a mistake this was and how it was affecting everyone, including me. I was very focused on myself and mr. 6' 1". I was becoming selfish and uncaring. We said things in anger we never should have said and when she tried to apologize I turned my back. It was the first time she had ever apologized first and I didn't want to give in that time. I became much closer to my other friend and I didn't see the signs that she was falling back to old patterns and how depressed she was.

By the time my numbness wore off and I saw what was going on with the both of us it was too late. She was too far gone and angry and when I tried to warn her and help her she blew up and said she never wanted to see me again. She moved out and we didn't talk for 6 months. In the mean time she got married to a pretty good guy I knew before we stopped talking. They live with his parents for now and he'll be adopting her little girl. She's working to get out of debt and she doesn't really party anymore and she went back to school. I'm really proud of her. She's made so many great decisions for herself and her little girl who just turned 2. I really missed them.

So when I heard she got married I texted her husband and asked him to have her call or text me if she would since I didn't have her number anymore. She did. We talked for a little bit and then went out to lunch. I was glad to see her little girl and that she was healthy and that my friend was being a good attentive mother. She wasn't someone who I ever expected to be a mother and least of all so young. I guess mothering is instinctive because she never really got a good dose of it because there just were so many kids and her parents were pretty free-spirited. So I was willing to step in and help where she needed. And I did in the begining. So all the time we didn't talk I was worried about her little girl, but i was grateful to see I didn't need to worry anymore. She didn't need me anymore. She didn't need me to pick up the slack or solve her problems as I'd always done.

Although I was happy about this and all the great changes she made and proud of her I couldn't help feel a little sad. I liked it when I was needed. And I was sad that I missed her wedding. It was a simple ceremony in front of a justice of the peace but we'd had all these dreams about our weddings. I just always assumed I'd get to see him lift her veil when they became man and wife because I'd be maid of honor. It didn't happen the way I thought it would. Nothing did.

When we went for lunch I got to apologize and we patched things up, but that's what it was: a patch. Things will never be truly the same. Too much has happened since then. She has a new life that doesn't include me. I saw that when I went to her little girl's birthday party. There were all these new stories I didn't know and all new memories. She and I are both different people now and are lives are seperate unlike they were before. Now we're "old friends" not "best friends" and it's sad but not half as sad as if we'd never spoken again.

It just goes to show you how much simple choices can decide your fate. Who knows where we'd be now if I'd accepted her apology when she offered it and let the anger go when I was offered the chance. I want to always remember this life lesson so I don't let this happen again. i have some other friends I need to forgive. It may be just our time to move on from each other but I want us to go peacefully. Anger has no place in my heart anymore.

Finding the Cure

A plague threatens the world--
My world.

Spreading fluidly through my veins,
Replicating and cloning like the dreaded virus,
Which responds not to the administrations
Of modern medical prowess.

Yet this disease is not designed to strip life,
To end the expansion and deflation of lungs,
But to end the Soul’s progression and create
A spiritual death,
Far more enduring than the life that ends
When the heart contracts no more.

Lies, fabrications, deceptions, deceit--
Ignorance, intolerance, naiveté, apathy--
Sin, hedonism, immorality, selfishness--
These become the virus that pollutes the well of the Soul.
But where enlightened medical cures fail--
GOD DOESN’T.

I see hope,
Repentance--
A balm for the Soul

In my veins now flow the curatives of,
Truth, Honesty, Sincerity, Integrity--
Knowledge, Acceptance, Concern, Involvement--
Righteousness, Justice, Virtue, Charity--

The plague entered my veins but did not reach my Soul,
I was cured--
GOD FORGAVE ME.

What This Blog Will Be

This is my first blog and I have so many things I want to say and do with the blog. But I'm not quite sure what I should do or say with it. Should this be a form of journaling for me? Or should this be like a medium for speaking to or inspiring the masses or some political launch pad? That's part of my problem, I have so many dreams and ideas filling my head and some are conflicting. Specific decisions can sometimes be one of the hardest things for me because I fear I might make the wrong one.

I've made so many wrong ones in the past two years. But luckily all that has been changing lately. The past is sliding into the fog of the forgotten. Occasionally in rears it's ugly head in the form of a 6' 1" guy who hasn't seemed to completely leave the picture since for now we live in the same town and have acquaintances in common. It doesn't help that one of my best friends is his brother's ex girlfriend and that's how she and I met. The past doesn't fail to be mentioned at least once in any of our conversations.

I lost myself for two years. It wasn't until the end was approaching that I finally realized that I had. I didn't know who I was anymore. I heard myself speak and saw myself act as if I was another person looking on from above not knowing why someone was acting that way. The weak girl who could cry at the drop of a hat, who let others make her decisions, who forgot herself and her family to make one monopolizing person happy, who could be lazy and selfish, who felt comfortable with lying to keep the status quo, who let her morals slip so she could be the person she was desired to be, that girl just wasn't me.

Before all hell broke loose, I was strong, opinionated, never gave a hoot if I was different because of my beliefs and morals, made my own decisions, worked hard and studied hard, was family oriented, and I was happy. Maybe not perfectly so, but i was true to myself and that's a deep rooted kind of happy.

Then a couple months before my 20th birthday I found out my father had a secret family for longer than I had been alive. I was thrown for a loop. I didn't know which way was up or down. Suddenly I felt as if my entire life was a lie. And one thing I couldn't stand was lying. I hated being lied to and to feel that my life was a lie left me gasping for breath. I din't feel like I had anyone to confide in and help me cope. I was a very private person. At that time there were only two people I confided in: my mother and my best friend since I was 6. But, I felt I needed to be there for them because my mom had her own pain from this revelation and my best friend was a single pregnant teenager who needed me to be strong for her. I had a lot of other friends, but no one I was comfortable sharing this shameful secret with.

So enters my past. He was there the day I found out and tried to spin it in a positive direction for me. He already knew so I didn't have a problem talking about it with him. Little did I know where it would leave me two years later.

But all that's over now. That is my past. I'm no longer the girl I was for those two years, but nor am I the girl I was for 19 years before that. I'm on the journey now to figure out who I am today. I've made progress but I'm not there yet. My hope is that this blog will be of some help in achieveing this aim. So I guess I've made my decision about what I want this blog to be ;o)