What This Blog Will Be

This is my first blog and I have so many things I want to say and do with the blog. But I'm not quite sure what I should do or say with it. Should this be a form of journaling for me? Or should this be like a medium for speaking to or inspiring the masses or some political launch pad? That's part of my problem, I have so many dreams and ideas filling my head and some are conflicting. Specific decisions can sometimes be one of the hardest things for me because I fear I might make the wrong one.

I've made so many wrong ones in the past two years. But luckily all that has been changing lately. The past is sliding into the fog of the forgotten. Occasionally in rears it's ugly head in the form of a 6' 1" guy who hasn't seemed to completely leave the picture since for now we live in the same town and have acquaintances in common. It doesn't help that one of my best friends is his brother's ex girlfriend and that's how she and I met. The past doesn't fail to be mentioned at least once in any of our conversations.

I lost myself for two years. It wasn't until the end was approaching that I finally realized that I had. I didn't know who I was anymore. I heard myself speak and saw myself act as if I was another person looking on from above not knowing why someone was acting that way. The weak girl who could cry at the drop of a hat, who let others make her decisions, who forgot herself and her family to make one monopolizing person happy, who could be lazy and selfish, who felt comfortable with lying to keep the status quo, who let her morals slip so she could be the person she was desired to be, that girl just wasn't me.

Before all hell broke loose, I was strong, opinionated, never gave a hoot if I was different because of my beliefs and morals, made my own decisions, worked hard and studied hard, was family oriented, and I was happy. Maybe not perfectly so, but i was true to myself and that's a deep rooted kind of happy.

Then a couple months before my 20th birthday I found out my father had a secret family for longer than I had been alive. I was thrown for a loop. I didn't know which way was up or down. Suddenly I felt as if my entire life was a lie. And one thing I couldn't stand was lying. I hated being lied to and to feel that my life was a lie left me gasping for breath. I din't feel like I had anyone to confide in and help me cope. I was a very private person. At that time there were only two people I confided in: my mother and my best friend since I was 6. But, I felt I needed to be there for them because my mom had her own pain from this revelation and my best friend was a single pregnant teenager who needed me to be strong for her. I had a lot of other friends, but no one I was comfortable sharing this shameful secret with.

So enters my past. He was there the day I found out and tried to spin it in a positive direction for me. He already knew so I didn't have a problem talking about it with him. Little did I know where it would leave me two years later.

But all that's over now. That is my past. I'm no longer the girl I was for those two years, but nor am I the girl I was for 19 years before that. I'm on the journey now to figure out who I am today. I've made progress but I'm not there yet. My hope is that this blog will be of some help in achieveing this aim. So I guess I've made my decision about what I want this blog to be ;o)